Control
by Dhampir72
Summary: KandaLavi. "You...stabbed me, Yuu...chan..." Yuu Kanda has always been in control, but the day he loses that equilibrium, he makes the biggest mistake of his life. Last chapter posted!
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Control

**Summary**: "You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…" Yuu Kanda was always in control, but upon losing that equilibrium he makes the biggest mistake of his life. KandaLavi.

**Genre**: Romance

**Rating**: PG-13

**Content**: Yuu's mouth, some gore.

**Author's Note**: I like this pairing, so sue me. Horrible writer's block on Bookman (seriously the last paragraph is killing me now), so I wrote this. Hopefully just a one-shot for your goodly entertainment, because it entertained me to write it. My **warning to you**: I've only written once from Kanda's point of view, and that was a first person, three page exercise over in _Sandman_. I'm giving him a shot, so be gentle.

**pqpq**

He was going to kill the _moyashi_ if he didn't shut his mouth. Yuu Kanda was very irritable, even more irritable than usual because he had been subjected to having endure Allen Walker's presence for more than five minutes. Normally, he would have been able to control his ever-rising temper in that situation, but he was trapped inside a very cramped train compartment with said annoyance, and the space was getting smaller and smaller by the moment. As if that wasn't bad enough having to look at Walker's ugly face from the bench across from him, Kanda had Lavi beside him, talking animatedly (as usual) which made the current situation all the more aggravating to him.

"Would the two of you shut up?" Kanda growled, wanting nothing more than to close his eyes and go to sleep for the rest of the way. But Allen and Lavi were talking about some pointless topic or another that Kanda had absolutely no interest in.

"Oh, c'mon, Yuu. It's all good fun," Lavi said, nudging him with his elbow, making Kanda tense slightly from the contact, instinctually gripping Mugen's hilt tighter.

"Don't call me by my first name, idiot," Kanda retorted, scooting an inch or so closer to the window, away from Lavi. He didn't want to hear the redhead's voice or feel the brief warmth when their legs occasionally brushed or feel something inside him grow warmer when Lavi called him _Yuu-chan_. He told himself he didn't want to be within this close amount of proximity with the redhead because Lavi was a bothersome person with no concept of personal space. It was what helped Kanda sleep at night without having to be kept awake with thoughts of _him_.

"Don't be a grump, Yuu-chan," Lavi said, ignoring Kanda's words as he normally did. When he said this he looked at Kanda with that smile of his, somehow not even made different by the gauze square on his cheek covering a scrape from a recent battle. It was still just as bright and friendly as the rest, and Kanda met it with his usual glare.

"Kanda's always grumpy, Lavi. You should know that by now," Allen said, grinning at Kanda with the insult. The glare was redirected from Lavi to Allen, but with a little more intensity toward the boy Kanda hadn't been having dreams about…

"Shut up, _moyashi_," Kanda said.

"It's _Allen_," Allen replied, narrowing his eyes dangerously. That began the bickering again, a repeat of that morning, and the previous day and all the days before that when they had the same argument. Lavi shook his head half-way through, his expression showing that he knew not to get involved when they were like that. Kanda kept Lavi in his peripheral during the exchange with the idiot boy, watching as he got up and left the compartment, closing the door behind him. Kanda was in too much control to let himself be disappointed, and continued baiting Walker with insults and jabs at his character or physical appearance while Allen struggled to respond with something just as mean. But Allen wasn't as mean as he tried to pull off sometimes, so his retorts were weak and laughable. If Yuu Kanda laughed, that is.

Towards the end of their usual confrontation, they had gotten up and started raising their voices. Kanda forgot why it was so fun after a while, because it made Lavi leave and he was stuck with Allen, who was _talking_ which was something he shouldn't do, as he was much more intelligent looking when he was quiet. The weapons came out as they went back and forth, but then, Allen's eye inverted and a dial appeared suddenly. The both of them were caught off guard.

"A-Akuma!" Allen cried, his eye searching for their locations, Kanda could tell, by the way the red pupil moved behind the magnified glass.

"Where?" Kanda asked, invoking his Innocence, Mugen held out and at the ready. If they were around the train, no one would have to get hurt. But if they were on the train…Kanda felt something tighten in his chest. _Lavi_. He was walking around unknowingly, his Exorcist coat a flaunting target to an enemy he had no idea was there…

"Here!" Allen replied, just as the compartment door slid open. Kanda was normally so in control of himself and his movements, but this time, instinct took over and he reflexively lashed out. Mugen slid forward quickly, a sharp jab that connected with flesh and soft internal tissue, not the usual hard steel it normally encountered. And then the black coat with the familiar silver badge met his vision, and that stupid orange scarf and red, red hair, like the red that was beginning to soak through the fabric of the uniform.

"L-Lavi?" Kanda's words were out before he could think properly, tongue stumbling over the simple two syllable name. Every emotion he felt at that moment leaked into his voice, expressing his fear, guilt, shame…Two cans of soda and one green tea bottle fell from his limp hands to the floor, where they made a harsh sound like something breaking; something that Kanda could almost feel inside himself.

"You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…" Lavi said, his voice strangely lucid despite the fact that Mugen was nearly buried to the hilt inside of him. Kanda didn't know what to do or how to act or what to say, because everything had fallen out of his control so quickly. It only took a second for Kanda to yank his sword from his friend's body, the only thing that had even kept Lavi upright, but the Japanese swordsman caught him before his knees gave out and he hit the floor, instead easing him down to the ground as gently as possible.

"Lavi? Lavi!" Allen shouted, probably had been shouting all along, but Kanda hadn't heard any of it, too focused on Lavi and his rapidly paling complexion and the blood that seemed to keep flowing from the wound. "Kanda! What did you do?!"

"Shut up, moyashi," Kanda said, pressing his hand to Lavi's wound, making the redhead gasp with a pain-filled breath.

"Kanda! You—"

"Shut UP!" Kanda shouted at Allen, his composure completely gone, every raw emotion taking over, fueled by the hot blood on his hand.

"Everyone's so mad…" Lavi said, sounding almost scared. It made both Kanda and Allen stop, realizing the situation and what it meant all too quickly. The blood wasn't stopping and Lavi's body was beginning to shake from the trauma.

"Take care of the akuma," Kanda said, pulling off his coat.

"W-What? But Lavi is—" Allen tried to protest, but Kanda fixed him with one of his most severe glares.

"Go," Kanda ordered, and Allen stopped all his objections, stepping over Lavi and into the hallway, a worried look strikingly open on his face. "I'll take care of him. Just go." With a determined nod, Allen disappeared from the back of their car to the next attached one, leaving Kanda kneeling on the floor with the one person he had begun to care the most for.

"Yuu…" Lavi murmured, his eye half-open, staring up at Kanda searchingly.

"Shut up," Kanda advised, moving his coat around Lavi's waist to try and stop the bleeding of both his stomach and back. It was the only thing he could say at that moment, so out of his element that he was almost lost. His best friend was in his lap now, bleeding, dying, and Kanda could only be plagued of thoughts of a world without Lavi in it. "And stay with me."

"S…tay…" Lavi repeated, his voice low, eye almost completely shut. Kanda grabbed him roughly by the chin and made him look up, focusing on the other Exorcist's face.

"Don't fall asleep," Kanda said, his hair falling around him like a curtain as he leaned over Lavi. His one green eye was so dark it almost looked black.

"Tired…" Lavi replied with a gentle sigh, his eyelashes fluttering dangerously close to shutting. The coat around his waist was already soaked through in the front and Kanda pressed his palm against it to try to stop the bleeding. "Ow…"

"I don't care. Stay awake," Kanda ordered, and Lavi's brow furrowed at these words. The Japanese Exorcist wondered what sort of face he was making to cause the ever-cheerful Bookman's apprentice to have such a worried expression.

"Yuu…chan? What's…wrong?" Lavi asked his words sounding forced.

"What's wrong?" Kanda repeated, his voice raising slightly. "What's wrong?! I _stabbed_ you! Idiot! What do you think you were doing?!"

"It's…okay…Yuu-chan…don't be…sad…" Lavi murmured, his eyelashes fluttering shut as a small, reassuring smile made its way to his lips. "It's not…your fault…"

"It is my fault," Kanda said, trying to coax Lavi awake with added pressure to his abdomen. This only made Lavi wince and then cough. His slightly smiling lips turned crimson and Kanda felt a tremble of fear run through him. Certainly Lavi wasn't going to… die? He _couldn't_ die. It was _Lavi_ and there was no such thing as a world without him in it. Kanda didn't have time to wonder when Lavi had become such an important figure in the narrow scope of the world he lived in, too busy bringing his free hand to stroke Lavi's bangs from his forehead. His skin was already too pale and now clammy and cold.

"S'not," Lavi replied, his voice such a soft whisper that Kanda had to lean over closer to hear him. His breath was so faint it barely brushed against Kanda's cheek.

"It is," Kanda said, trying to keep pressure on Lavi's wound while attempting to keep the injured boy awake long enough to keep him from going into shock. "I'm sorry, Lavi…" His eye was closed, breaths short, and there was no response. "Lavi?" Lashes fluttered slightly, but the lid did not open, and a shuddering breath was taken, but nothing else. "Lavi. Don't you dare die…"

What would the world be like without Lavi in it? What would be the purpose of waking up to another day without Lavi by his side? It didn't matter when exactly Lavi had become so important; all that mattered was that Lavi _was_ that important and Kanda couldn't bear the thought of him no longer being there. When had he grown to depend on that smile so much?

"You can't…leave…" Kanda murmured, brushing his fingers against Lavi's chilled cheek. "Stay with me, Lavi…" There was no response from Lavi's still form, just shallow breathing that sounded raspier and fainter by the second. "Lavi…" A curtain of black tresses surrounded them as Kanda leaned over further, his lips brushing against the redheaded boy's ever so softly. They were cold and tasted slightly metallic. It wasn't how Kanda imagined it to be. After all, Lavi was all warmth and sunshine and the sweet things that Kanda would never admit to liking. That couldn't be gone forever. Something hot ran down his cheeks and Kanda was spiraling so dangerously out of emotional control that he recognized the almost unfamiliar feeling of helplessness and fear gripping his heart. There was no such thing as a world without Lavi, not for Kanda.

"Please…don't leave me…"

**pqpq**

"Lavi will be all right," Komui said, after a dreadfully long four hours of waiting. "He's going to need a lot of rest, though." Allen sighed in relief from beside him while Lenalee cried in thankfulness. Kanda kept his head down, trying to quell the unease he felt inside himself and all around him. He could tell people were trying not to blame him, even though they secretly did. And Komui was trying the hardest out of all of them. After all, Kanda had taken out one of the few Exorcists they had left, which meant a month or two of being a soldier short, which for Komui, meant more risk of having another person he, and everyone else, cared for not coming home. "Would you like to see him?"

Allen and Lenalee rushed at the chance, but Kanda wanted nothing more than to go to his room and hide. Normally he wouldn't be one to do such a thing, but it was his hand, his sword, that did this to Lavi and nearly killed him. That train ride home had been long and Kanda had been struck with unadulterated fear that Lavi would not make it back to Headquarters. Even the _moyashi_ had felt that way, pacing for the duration of the trip as Kanda cradled Lavi's head in his lap. It had been a long time since Kanda prayed, but he had prayed during that journey to whatever God would listen to him to save Lavi, because he meant more than anything to him and he couldn't have that taken away.

"Kanda-kun, are you coming?" Lenalee asked, appearing at his side with a concerned, teary expression.

"Che," was all he said, but made no move to go with her or to leave.

"Kanda-kun," Lenalee said gently, looking like she was going to touch him, but then thought better of it. "Lavi won't blame you." Kanda knew he wouldn't, and that was what made it so difficult. _It's…okay…Yuu-chan…don't be…sad…It's not…your fault…_ even though it was. With his last moments of consciousness before an unknowable fate, Lavi was trying to assure him of that fact and that drove a wedge deeper and deeper into Kanda's chest. He wasn't angry with Kanda even when he had the right to be. What kind of person felt that way?

"Che," Kanda replied, his voice softer despite his will to make it seem harsh and uncaring as to what Lavi might or might not think of him.

"It's okay," Lenalee said, smiling at him. "Come on." Kanda couldn't walk the other way once she said that and followed her almost like an obedient puppy toward the infirmary. He was aware of the stares directed his way and met them with his trademark glare, although there wasn't as much force behind it as there normally was. Maybe people noticed this and felt badly for him, Kanda was unsure, but their glances and whispers followed him everywhere regardless. _His comrade, he stabbed his comrade. Can you believe it?_

As they came to the double doors outside the infirmary, they ran into Bookman who was just leaving. The old man didn't seem outwardly fazed at all by the fact that his apprentice was nearly gutted and killed, but his eyes burned the hardest hole on the back of Kanda's neck as he entered the clinic. It was the white-washed room with white curtains and white beds that Kanda tried so hard to avoid. He hated the infirmary because it didn't feel natural, so sterile and monotonous. And he hated it even more because Lavi looked so out of place under those bleached sheets.

"I'm sorry, he's still asleep," the Matron informed them. Even her eyes were hard on Kanda and he gripped Mugen in private shame. "But you can sit with him for a while if you'd like." Allen and Lenalee went over almost immediately after receiving permission, but Kanda hung back behind them, not wanting to get any closer at that moment. One last look from the Matron and she was gone, leaving them alone with their unconscious friend. There was more color in Lavi now, but it wasn't the shade of someone in good health. His cheeks were tinted a sickly rose with fever, most likely a reaction to the shock his body had just gone through.

"Hey, Lavi," Allen said quietly, moving a chair over to sit by the bed. Lenalee did the same on the other side. He watched as Lenalee took Lavi's hand in hers as gently as if it were porcelain. Kanda couldn't look at it for very long because Lavi's wrist and fingers appeared so delicate and fragile, like they might be broken at any second. Luckily no one saw Kanda avert his eyes.

"He has a fever," Lenalee murmured quietly with concern coloring her tone, her free hand resting against Lavi's forehead under his red fringe. Kanda tried not to think of how that color reminded him of the blood that soaked through Lavi's uniform; the blood that was still on his sword. Kanda felt like he was suffocating there, unable to look at Allen and Lenalee and Lavi, who was just too still and too pale, his hands so goddamn small…

"Kanda, where're you going?" Allen asked, his voice following Kanda out of the infirmary and down the empty hall. He didn't run, but he walked with such haste that it might have been considered so. There were people everywhere who thankfully got out of his way without speaking to him, though their whispers echoing behind him …_friend, can you believe he almost killed his friend?_

"Che," Kanda huffed to himself, trying to keep in control of his facial expression. It was hard, something he was not used to. He never felt such difficulty before because it was always so easy to project this façade he wore. But now it was crumbling around him and Mugen felt heavier and heavier with each step he took away from Lavi. The image of him in the doorway with that shocked expression on his face _You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…_wouldn't leave his mind. He couldn't believe he hurt Lavi and Kanda couldn't believe he cried and he couldn't believe he _kissed_ the idiot like that. But was he really such an idiot? Kanda's pace slowed to a stop. No, Lavi was no idiot. _It's not…your fault…_and he smiled so reassuringly almost as if he were saying _"Don't cry"_ like that one time when Lavi was too new to the Order and too foolish and had gotten himself hurt in battle. Kanda could remember it like it was yesterday, the way _Lavi was sprawled out on the ground, his head hastily wrapped in ripped cloth, the blood soaking through it rapidly. "I'm okay…" he said, his words a mere whisper as Kanda tried to keep him conscious. "Don't cry." Kanda shook his head with his usual attitude. "Idiot, why would I?" Lavi smiled, the light fading from his eye like a candle being extinguished. "Because I would…cry for you..."_

"Fucking idiot," Kanda swore to himself, before moving on down the corridor toward his room. Once there he locked the door and moved around in the darkness, removing his shirt and boots, pulling his hair out of its band with a vicious yank. He set Mugen in the corner of the room, away from the side of the bed where he normally kept it. Even though he knew it was an accident, Kanda didn't want the sword near him at that moment. Lying down on the crisp sheets, Kanda rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes with an aggravated sigh. He was so anxious about Lavi's condition, but didn't want to be there, not when everyone else was crowded around, staring at him like he was some sort of beast.

Maybe he was. The thought crossed through his mind more than once that day. Maybe he was just a beast, a slave to his instincts and reflexes. Kanda touched the tattoo on his chest with a furrowed brow.

Maybe he wasn't human anymore.

_"It's...okay...Yuu-chan...it's not...your fault..."_

**pqpq**

After a sequence of terrible dreams, Kanda got up from a restless sleep. It was late at night, maybe even early in the morning, he wasn't sure. But the stillness and quiet that settled over everything let Kanda know around what time it would be. And it was time to see Lavi.

Shrugging on a shirt and his boots, Kanda walked to the door. His hair was unbound and his clothes wrinkled, the skin under his eyes most likely dark circles, but he didn't care. Kanda looked at Mugen and debated on whether or not he should take the weapon with him. He remembered how heavy it had been to carry and how guilty he had felt in Lavi's presence with the sword at his hip and decided against it. Anyone who might see him would know there was something wrong with him then, as he was never parted from Mugen.

The trip to the infirmary was short, Kanda dashing out between slivers of moonlight and back into shadow, not wanting to be seen or heard or whispered about. Mugen absent from his hip made him feel like a traitor, but also like a free man. It was a strange mix of emotions that welled up inside him with the trepidation of having to see Lavi. Would it be easier if Lavi was still asleep or harder to see such a strong, vibrant person like that? Kanda didn't know and didn't want to know, wondering what he would do when he reached the clinic and Lavi's bedside. He touched his lips, wondering if he would do _that_ again.

Sneaking into the infirmary was all about stealth, which Kanda had plenty of. It was simple to get in with his quiet footsteps toward Lavi's bed and to pull the screen back without making too much noise. Lavi was lying on his side, breathing evenly in sleep. He looked so small in the moonlight that Kanda had to glance away for one guilty moment. Then Kanda moved closer and closer, until he was sitting in the chair that Allen had left right next to the bed.

"Lavi," Kanda said, so quietly it was below a whisper. And because it was so soft, Lavi did not stir and continued to sleep on, obliviously ignoring his midnight guest. Very gently, Kanda brushed a finger against Lavi's fevered cheek and he felt worry grow inside of him. Lavi still hadn't gotten better. What if his wound was infected?

"Y..uu…" Lavi sighed, and Kanda removed his hand as quickly as if he had been burned. But Lavi's eye still slowly cracked open despite that and he blinked a few times at the Japanese man in front of him. His lips turned up again in a smile. Thankfully there was no blood this time. "I was juss dreamin' 'bout you…" he said, his words slightly slurred, probably due to whatever painkiller they had hooked up to his IV.

"You're still dreaming. Go back to sleep," Kanda said, watching as the eyelashes obediently began fluttering closed.

"M'kay…" Lavi murmured, but one of his hands moved toward where Kanda's rested on the edge of the bed. Before Kanda could slip it out of the way, Lavi's hand was holding his, fingers like ice, knuckles black and blue from where the IV needle entered his vein. "But don't go…" Something about how small Lavi's voice had gotten made Kanda agree:

"I won't," he replied and Lavi smiled again, half-way dreaming.

"Will you be here…when I wake up?" Lavi asked, sounding as strangely lucid as he had when Kanda had stabbed him. His fingers clenched around Kanda's as his brow furrowed in an expression of sadness.

"Yeah, I will," Kanda said.

And he wasn't one to break promises.

**pqpq**

Apparently this has a mind of it's own and it will end up being more than just a one-shot. Or maybe it is a one-shot, but just in two chapters. Yeah, that's what it is...my brain is too broken to think properly right now D: But hopefully you guys liked it and wants more? Maybe? Hopefully I didn't butcher Kanda's character too much?

Show me some love, if I'm worthy of it!

**Dhampir72**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Thanks guys for all your love and support. Sorry about the delay: life, school, and illness sometimes can get in the way. Hopefully some more Lavi/Kanda goodness makes up for it.

**pqpq**

For the next week and a half, Yuu Kanda could only be found in one place: he remained dutifully beside Lavi's bedside, sitting with the redhead through the worst of his healing process, not caring what people thought or didn't think of him for doing so. Mostly, Lavi flitted in and out of feverish sleep, the Matron unable to quite discern what was causing the infection to linger for so long. Kanda was glad he decided to not bring Mugen with him during these times, as watching pain ghost across Lavi's sleeping expression was enough without such a heavy reminder at his hip.

"Yuu…" Lavi said softly one night, when Kanda's hand had been just a little too heavy in his hair and he had accidentally woken the Bookman's apprentice from slumber.

"What?" Kanda asked, his eyes taking in Lavi's glassy green eye, the pale expanse of skin made whiter by the blue of the moon leaking in through the window. "You should go back to sleep." His hand that had stilled in Lavi's hair continued its motions once again, this time softer, more tender, something to lull the other boy back into the realm of dreams once more.

"Y'should go to sle'p too…" Lavi murmured, his words slurring with tiredness. "Y'look tired…"

"You look worse than me," Kanda said, keeping his voice soft, breath moving across red bangs that seemed to sigh with his exhale. "Go to sleep." Lavi's eye slid shut at those words and soon his breaths were deep and even with unconsciousness. Kanda continued to stroke his hair long past the time Lavi had fallen asleep, not wanting to be parted from the red-haired boy. He didn't know exactly what had come over him in the past few weeks: first infatuation, then this devoted protectiveness he couldn't seem to shake, not to mention the overwhelming urge to…

"Ne, Lavi," Kanda said, his voice so low and quiet, it didn't disturb Lavi, who lay completely unaware of the words being spoken to him. Entirely oblivious to the fingers that gently caressed his cheek. Utterly ignorant of the lips that so wanted to kiss his… "What are you dreaming about?" Kanda felt stupid asking such a question out loud, but there was no one there except for Lavi, who was the one person who would never make Kanda feel stupid for inquiring anything.

"Ne, Lavi," Kanda said, leaning closer to the redhead, his relaxed face and black lashes against a pale cheek made Lavi look all the more alluring to Kanda. His thumb caressed moonlit skin until they were soon a breath apart. Black hair fell over Kanda's shoulders, spilling onto Lavi's chest, tickling the side of his face. It would be so easy to just press his lips against Lavi's, but he pulled away before he could commit such an act, instead a fingertip brushing softly against the smooth skin there. His own lips twitched in jealousy as he leaned back in the chair.

"Are you dreaming about me?"

**pqpq**

"We still can't figure out what's wrong with him," the Matron was saying, one afternoon when Kanda had returned from lunch. He stayed on the outside of the door to the infirmary, not wanting to interrupt the current conversation.

"There has to be something we missed," Komui replied, his voice soft on the other side. "We'll run another blood test to see if we can figure out what's causing it. In the meantime, keep him on wide-spectrum antibiotics to try and keep the infection at bay."

Kanda stepped into an alcove on the right side of the infirmary and stayed hidden there until Komui had passed. Then he waited a moment more before stepping from the stony shadows and into the hospital wing. The Matron was by the glass medicine cabinet, pulling out several large bottles of clear liquid. So intent with her work, she didn't notice him enter and stride quietly over to where Lavi's bed was in the corner of the room.

"Yuu-chan's back…" came Lavi's weak voice when Kanda moved around the curtain. The Japanese man didn't even get angry at the use of the nickname as he was too busy focusing on the sickly form of his friend lying under several blankets. He looked worse than before, whiter than a sheet, his one eye looking dark and sunken. The redhead was attached to more wires and tubes than he had been earlier that day and that made Kanda's brow furrow with worry.

"What's wrong with you?" Kanda asked, sitting down. There was no denying that Lavi was in poorer health and Kanda couldn't stop himself from moving to gently stroke back a few damp strands of hair that were clinging to his forehead. He didn't let himself linger for too long, drawing his hand back to himself before it became too awkward.

"'m still sick…" Lavi answered, giving him a small smile. "I'll get better soon. Komui's working on it…" His smile faded after a second and was replaced with something more pained as he ran a hand over his face. "Ne, Yuu…can you get me some water?" Lavi hadn't asked him to do anything over the past two weeks, not even to help him go to the bathroom, so this question sort of set up a red flag in Kanda's mind, but he nodded and did as he was asked.

When he returned, he found Lavi doubled over and coughing: a sick, wet sound in his chest. Setting the glass down on the bedside table, Kanda put his hand on Lavi's back in an attempt to soothe the redhead with that simple gesture, not quite knowing what to do for someone in this situation. But maybe it helped after all because a few moments passed and Lavi stopped, taking a few wheezing breaths.

"Ugh…" Lavi groaned, still hunched over. Kanda stroked his wet hair, trying to get him to calm down and breathe properly. "This…isn't good…" Looking past Lavi's hunched shoulders, Kanda could see what was meant by that and his breath caught in his throat. There was blood all over Lavi's hands, running through his fingers and soaking into the white sheets beneath him. Before Kanda could do anything about this, he heard the Matron's gasp at the sight. She was immediately beside them, pushing Kanda to the side to attend to Lavi.

"Get some towels from the linen closet," the Matron told him, and Kanda did so, returning with a few within seconds of being asked. Once she took them, he stepped back to let her do her work, but hovered a bit behind her with concern evident in the tightness of his frown. Lavi coughed again, this time into a washcloth that had turned crimson by the time his attack was through.

"Sorry…" Lavi mumbled upon seeing the mess, wiping his mouth quickly.

"Don't worry, dear," the Matron said, although it was obvious that she was shaken as well. "We're going to start you on some antibiotics that will take care of this." She hastily took down one of the empty bottles from the IV stand and replaced it with the new one, attaching it to the tube that connected to the needle in Lavi's wrist. Once that was completed she said: "There. Kanda, would you do me a favor and go get the Supervisor?"

"That won't be necessary," said Komui's voice from the doors of the infirmary. Within seconds he was behind the screen, Reever behind him carrying a thick manila folder. The two of them looked grim, only made more so by the sight of Lavi still trying to clean the blood off himself. "I'm afraid I found the cause of this…" The Matron looked frightened but hopeful, while Kanda tried not to appear like he was hanging on every word Komui said.

"Well…are you going to spit it out…? Or…just let me die not knowing?" Lavi asked, unhelpfully trying to be funny. Kanda would have smacked him if he wasn't afraid of killing Lavi with the motion.

"You've been poisoned," Komui said, pulling out a paper from the massive folder Reever was holding. It was a blown up picture of the microscopic image of Lavi's blood test. There were small, black pentacles in the cells: Akuma blood virus. If it was possible, Lavi went whiter than he already was. Kanda, on the other hand, had his fists clenched so tightly, he feared his palms might start bleeding. This was entirely his fault. He had been waiting to clean his sword with special solvent when he returned to the Order, so he hadn't done a thorough job after their mission. There had still been akuma blood residue on the blade when he…Kanda looked away guiltily, his chest aching with shame. Komui continued: "We're going to have to perform a full-body blood transfusion to get the virus out of your bloodstream."

"Okay…" Lavi said with a nod. "But…can't we have Kro-chan just suck it out like he did that one time…?"

"I'm afraid not. It's progressed too far for us to take any chances," Komui replied, his expression softening. "I'm sorry. We're going to have to start immediately."

"I'll notify the Bookman," Reever said, taking his leave. The Matron grasped Komui's arm and led him away to the other side of the screen, where Kanda could hear them speaking in urgent whispers:

"We can't perform a blood transfusion now, Komui. He's in too weak a state of health," the Matron was saying.

"If we don't do this now, we'll miss our window. The infection is small and undeveloped now. If we perform the procedure, we may have a chance of saving his life," Komui replied.

"But that doesn't matter if he dies half-way through the transfusion," argued the Matron.

"If we do it, he might die. If we don't do it, he _will_ die," Komui said, finality ringing in his voice. The Matron must have relented, because soon the click of her boots was moving away from them, Komui's following her, leaving Kanda standing there with an ever increasing fear coursing throughout his body. Lavi could die half-way through the transfusion? His chest tightened; and here Kanda had just gotten Lavi back from the brink of death…

"Yuu…" Lavi said, getting Kanda's attention. The Japanese Exorcist would have given anything not to have been there, to have to look at Lavi so squarely in the eye when he had this burden resting on his shoulders. The one person that Kanda had come to realize meant more to him than anyone else could die because of him. "Yuu…it's gonna be okay…" He really wished Lavi would stop saying that, and stop smiling so reassuringly at him, trying to console _Kanda_ of all people instead of himself.

"Tch, I know that, idiot," Kanda replied, forcing the answer to sound natural. He did well not to let his voice crack with the anxiety he felt. "You'll be back to your usual annoying self in no time."

"You bet…" Lavi answered with a sigh. Kanda was doing his best not to look at the blood that was still on the blanket, still smeared on his hands, a little bit still lingering on his lips. "Yuu…?"

"What is it now?" Kanda asked, doing his best to appear as annoyed as he normally did.

"I know you've got…better stuff to do. But could you…stay here with me? Just…for a bit?" Lavi asked, looking apologetic for the request. But there was something else in his expression that took Kanda a moment to identify: Lavi was afraid. And if that didn't rub the salt into Kanda's already open wounds, he didn't know what else could.

"Just for a bit," Kanda said, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. Lavi smiled at him tiredly, looking down at his own hands. The color reminded Kanda of _that day back on the train when he had been pressing his palms against the wound in Lavi's stomach that wouldn't stop bleeding, coating his hands crimson_. Finding a clean washcloth, Kanda dipped the tip of it into the glass of water on the bedside table to wet it and then cleaned Lavi's red fingers off gently. He felt Lavi's stare on him the entire time he worked, moving from the left to the right with cautious care around the IV needles and tape.

"Thanks…" Lavi said, once his hands were free of dried blood. Kanda nodded mutely, getting the edge of the cloth a little wetter before leaning over to tenderly wipe away the vermillion color on his lips the smear on his chin. "Yuu?" Kanda had no idea what kind of expression he was wearing, but it must have been something abnormal, because Lavi's expression had turned worried. That idiot was always worrying about someone else rather than himself. _Yuu…it's gonna be okay…_

"I'm sorry," Kanda murmured softly, gray eyes meeting confused emerald. He touched Lavi's flushed cheek gently, calloused fingertips smoothing over feverish skin. This was all his fault, he knew, and Kanda closed his eyes with a sigh, pressing his forehead against Lavi's in a display of uncharacteristic tenderness. "I'm so sorry…"

"It's not your fault…" Lavi said, moving slightly, their noses brushing. "Don't be sad…"

"I'm not sad, stupid," Kanda replied, his hushed voice holding some anger. Why wouldn't Lavi just blame him? Why wouldn't he just say _I hate you_ to Kanda's face? He had the right to do that, but he wouldn't, and Kanda couldn't understand why.

"I'm gonna be okay…so don't be…whatever you're being right now," Lavi said; they were so close Kanda could actually _feel_ the redhead's lips smile. "Because everything's gonna work out, you'll see."

"And if it doesn't?" Kanda asked—hating himself for asking with a voice that sounded so choked no matter how hard he tried to control himself.

"It will," Lavi replied, with such simplicity that Kanda almost laughed at the childish nature of it.

"But if it doesn't," Kanda pressed, his eyes screwed tightly shut, waiting for the answer. A too-small, too-thin hand brushed against his cheek, into his hair, gently moving through long black hair. Kanda leaned into the warm touch unconsciously.

"You don't listen…do you, Yuu? I said everything's gonna be okay," Lavi said, his voice a little stronger, reminiscent of the old Lavi, the healthy, vibrant Lavi that Kanda had fallen for. "So that means…everything's gonna work out fine."

Kanda heard footsteps approaching, so he regretfully pulled out of their position, Lavi's fingers smoothing down through a long strand of hair over the other Exorcist's shoulder.

"Everything better work out fine," Kanda replied, sitting down in the chair with a huff of his old self back. "Because if you die, I'll be pissed off." Lavi rolled his eye, smiling with a little more vibrancy this time.

"Yuu, when are you not pissed off?" he asked.

"Che, don't mock me."

**pqpq**

The machines that they brought in were horrible and white and they hooked up to Lavi in so many places that Kanda couldn't bear to watch, keeping his eyes downcast. Kanda didn't understand much of what they were talking about, but their plan was to take the infected blood out of Lavi and put the new, clean blood back in. Bottles of blood were strung up on IV stands and fed through tubes into Lavi's arm. Once everyone had gone, Kanda didn't feel so bad watching the clean blood go into Lavi and the sickly looking blackish blood come out.

"Hope they give it to Kro-chan…he'd be happy for…ages…" Lavi murmured, eye half-way closed. He looked exhausted, although a healthier color was beginning to return to his skin.

"Go to sleep," Kanda said to him, in a no-nonsense sort of tone. The Matron said it was going to take about four hours, maybe even more, for the treatment to complete, and then a few hours more to see if it helped Lavi's condition. He stroked Lavi's hair gently away from his forehead again, and the redhead smiled.

"You always say that…" he murmured sleepily. "…in my dreams…" Kanda's hand stopped for a second before resuming its action. He didn't know Lavi had remembered their interactions at night over the past two weeks, and decided to let the other boy think they had merely been dreamed up in his imagination.

"Because you should sleep," Kanda replied. "I'm right, even in your dreams." Lavi's fingers curled around the sleeve of Kanda's coat as he smiled.

"Yuu-chan's always right…" Lavi agreed, almost completely asleep. Kanda let the backs of his fingers caress Lavi's cheek down to his jaw, tracing the defining bone there to his chin.

"Don't forget that," Kanda said.

"And you'll…be here…" Lavi mumbled, eye closed, moving into Kanda's touch. "…when I wake up…right?" But by the way his voice trailed off, Kanda knew Lavi was beyond comprehending by that point. The Japanese swordsman didn't mind, however, and leaned forward, pressing his lips gently to Lavi's temple.

"Yeah. I'll be here when you wake up."

**pqpq**

Show me love, people. If you deem me worthy of it.

Chapter 3 on the way by next week!

**Dhampir72**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the love people. To celebrate a late Thanksgiving: some more Kanda/Lavi love for you. Second to last chapter!

**pqpq**

It was cold, the icy wind blowing fierce enough to howl in the gray afternoon. Mugen shone in the dull sunlight as it swiped through akuma after akuma, Kanda's breath expelling from his lips in small puffs before his eyes. He panted, pausing for a moment in the midst of battle for a quick rest before continuing. This mission had lasted for more than a week, a long time for someone like Kanda to take care of such lower level demons. But there seemed to be no end in sight, and everyday he presumed he'd be returning home ended in another battle which led to another night alone in a cold hotel bed.

A mission like this one, despite its length, would normally be a welcome reprieve, but this time…it was more of a hindrance. He was too distracted, his mind still back at the Order by Lavi's side. Kanda bit his lip, destroying another akuma as he recalled what had transpired: not even halfway into Lavi's transfusion and Komui had handed him a black folder, informing that his train would leave within the hour. Lavi had been asleep, his hand loosely holding onto Kanda's, but the Japanese Exorcist had no choice. He donned his coat, his sword, and caught his train, a bitter frown on his lips and a worried pinch to his brow. When Lavi woke up and found him gone, what would he think? Kanda had tried not to think about it, but spent the entire train ride to his destination touching his palm where Lavi's had been not long before.

That isn't to say he didn't call. Kanda sliced through two more akuma as he dashed for a third, kicking up snow behind him as he did so. Yes, he had called to check in with Komui, conveniently ending up patched through to Lavi, who was undergoing his second transfusion. _Don't worry. It doesn't hurt, Yuu,_ Lavi had said, his voice a welcome tenor through the crackle of Kanda's golem. After Kanda had insisted that he wasn't worried, Lavi laughed and continued: _It's just kind of boring because I can't do anything_. With that said, Kanda promptly told him to stop bitching and had hung up.

At least he knew Lavi wasn't angry with him, but still…Kanda destroyed his target and shook his sword clean, scanning the area for any more threats. Since then, Kanda hand't spoken with Lavi, not wanting more people to talk about him behind his back like he couldn't here them. Yuu Kanda going soft? Not likely.

No more enemies left, and Kanda figured he would call it a day. A twig cracked from behind him and Kanda whipped around, stabbing forward with graceful skill. The blade sunk forward into something soft, like _that one time_ and Kanda's eyes widened when he saw—

"L-Lavi?" Again, his tongue tripped on the simple name, his hands were frozen in place like that time before, when he couldn't pull Mugen from the one place it shouldn't have been. Lavi's one green eye was wide with shock as he looked down and Kanda looked down to see the blood trickling down the silver blade onto the white snow.

"You…stabbed me…Yuu-chan…" Lavi said, just like last time. But unlike the time before, his expression turned sorrowful, somewhat angry. "Why, Yuu-chan? Why…did you do this?"

"It…was an accident…" Kanda replied, unable to move his hands, unable to do anything except watch the blood slowly turning the snow crimson.

"Do you…hate me, Yuu? Do you…hate me that much?" Lavi asked, his voice raising slightly, tears sliding down his left cheek from his only eye.

"No!" Kanda said, his voice much louder than Lavi's, echoing in the empty expanse of mountains. He had the words, right on the tip of his tongue, but not the power to say them. Not even to Lavi's angry words or the hurt on his face or the blood that wasn't stopping. Kanda was weak because he couldn't say the words to make Lavi stop crying.

"_I care for you more than anyone in the entire world_."

**pqpq**

Kanda shot up in bed, drenched in sweat, black strands of hair clinging to his chest, shoulders, and back. His heart was pounding so quickly it was painful and Kanda placed a hand over his chest, over the tattoo that marred the otherwise perfect skin. That dream…had been so terribly real it left Kanda shaking like a child after a nightmare. He ran his hands over his arms, trying to calm his trembling, but it was no use.

The sky outside was dark. He was still on his mission. Lavi was still at the Order. Everything was still out of place. The Japanese Exorcist gripped his head to try to keep it from spinning off. Never before had thoughts plagued him like this, every waking moment of every waking day. _Lavi. Lavi. Lavi_…Irritably, Kanda dug the heels of his palms into his eyes to try and focus on something else. But the dream had left him so shaken that nothing eased his anxiety. His hand moved and slammed down on the dresser, on top of the smooth titanium of his golem.

"Connect. Lavi." With that command vocalized, Kanda moved his hand and the golem made a whirring noise as it attempted a connection. After a few agonizing moments, the communication device crackled to life.

"Hel-lo?" came the voice on the other end, distorted through the bad connection. It was Lavi, sounding as if he had been asleep and then woken up suddenly. Kanda wondered that if he were to hang up at that moment, maybe Lavi would go back to sleep and not recall the incident in the morning. "Y-uu? Is—at yo—u?"

"Yeah," Kanda answered, unable to disconnect. A sense of relief had washed over him at the sound of Lavi's voice, soothing his frayed nerves. Lavi was fine, alive. That was all Kanda needed at the moment.

"A—yo—u ok—y?" Lavi asked, the connection so garbled that Kanda could barely make out his question.

"I'm fine," Kanda replied, glad that Lavi couldn't see the hands that moved down over his face in relief, or hear the sigh of thankfulness that made its way past his lips, or feel the subsiding tremors of his body. "Go back to sleep."

"Yu—u?" Lavi asked, worry evident in his voice despite the bad connection. Kanda could imagine the look on his face: the troubled brow, the frown that pulled his lips down from their normally upturned position. He didn't want to think of that face or listen to the slight increase in his pitch that signified concern. "Y—u?" Kanda wanted to tell him not to worry; that everything was fine. He wanted to tell Lavi that he couldn't stop thinking about him and that his thoughts would only be plagued with worry until he was near Lavi again. "Wh—n—re com—g h—me?"

"When the mission is over," Kanda answered, proud that he could keep his tone so calm and level, not letting any of his emotions take control again. There was silence on Lavi's end for a moment, and the Japanese man could visualize the redhead, his contemplative face in the moonlight.

"B—car—ful—ka—?" Lavi said. Kanda imagined himself gently trailing his fingers down Lavi's cheek to comfort him, whispering against his warm skin that he would be fine and to not worry so much…

"You don't have to tell me that, idiot," Kanda replied, closing his eyes against the scenario playing in his mind, where his lips pressed against Lavi's gently in a gesture of promise.

"Yu—u?"

"Just go back to bed."

And he hung up. Once again, he was unable to do anything that he wanted, incapable of telling Lavi what had been building inside him for months now, what had probably been planted years ago when they first met, but had only begun to bloom now. He knotted his hands into his damp hair and bit his lip. He just couldn't say it.

"_Lavi…I…love you…"_

**pqpq**

The train ride home was dull and cold. There was no deviation in the monotonous landscape outside the dirty window. Dead black trees, white snow, more trees and snow…Kanda shifted on the chilled seat and crossed his arms, tapping his foot irritably on the floor. He was finally going back to the Order after a long week and a half of being away. It had been three days since his midnight hour call to Lavi, and since then, Kanda hadn't dared to contact him again in fear that he might dig a deeper hole than he was already in.

Upon pulling into the station down the hill from headquarters, Kanda spotted something out of place in the bleak surroundings of the countryside: red hair like fire against the gray. Even through the grimy glass of the window, Kanda knew it was Lavi and he hurried out of the compartment, Mugen heavy at his side.

His breath was coming out harshly when Kanda emerged from the train and it visualized before his eyes in the cold air. He hadn't even stepped from the stairs on the train when Lavi noticed him, standing up from where he had been sitting on a snow covered bench. But Lavi didn't take any steps closer to him and Kanda didn't move toward the other boy once he was on the platform.

"What are you doing here?" Kanda asked. It sounded cruel, as his words normally did, despite the connotation that Kanda had been trying to achieve. He meant it as in _what are you doing out here in the cold waiting for me, with no gloves or hat or scarf, and with your face as white as winter? _

"Your call…" Lavi said, looking down as if he didn't quite know what to say. It was unusual because Lavi was never at a loss for words. Ever. "…it made me worry a little. And you didn't answer after that when I tried to call you back…"

"I was busy," Kanda answered, wishing beyond all wishing that he could say what he wanted, how he wanted, without worrying that everything was just going to go so _wrong_. Lavi must have taken his tone as something Kanda didn't intend, because he put on a fake smile and scratched the back of his head with a small laugh.

"Yeah, I figured it wouldn't hurt to annoy you though," he said, his smile falling a bit. Then there was awkward silence where Lavi looked searchingly at Kanda and Kanda stared determinedly at Lavi's snow-covered boots. "Yuu…" The boots took a step forward and Kanda's took a step back.

"Don't call me that," Kanda replied to the casual use of his first name. Like a cornered animal, Kanda kept his distance, wishing that he was anywhere but there at that moment. Anywhere where he didn't have to worry about letting it slip…_Lavi, you mean more to me than anyone in the entire world. _He couldn't; Kanda couldn't say the "L" word no matter what.

"Yuu," came Lavi's voice again and the boots that were coming closer. Kanda moved back again and went still. The train that had dropped him off began to leave, speeding away down the tracks, leaving nothing but the snow as the backdrop for this scene.

"Just stop it, Lavi," Kanda snapped, and the boots stopped still, as if they had been frozen in the ice. He hadn't meant to spit Lavi's name like poison, hadn't meant to sound so goddamn _angry_ at the redhead.

"Yuu, what's wrong?" Lavi asked. His voice was worried and his boots were still in the snow, but Kanda was too weak to look up at his face. Would it be the same expression he had imagined the other night? Would he be able to stop himself from touching Lavi's cheek and kissing him in reassurance? "Did I…are you mad at me?" Even though Kanda's head felt too heavy to lift, he met Lavi's unwavering gaze. He looked so…anguished at the prospect Kanda was angry at him. Not the usual annoyance Kanda normally displayed, which Lavi provoked out of boredom. No. Lavi was worried about Kanda truly, deep down resenting him, and that was plain to see in his expression.

"No," Kanda said, the simple word echoing in the open space. It was true. He wasn't angry. And Kanda experienced another moment in which everything felt like it was falling out of his control, his lips moving before he could stop the words from forming: "Why…don't you hate me?"

"Why…would I?" Lavi asked, his one green eye wide at the suggestion. That annoyed Kanda, something like his old flame being kindled again. He was able to grip his sanity once more, hostile words being thrown into the cold air.

"Idiot! 'Why would I?' How can you _ask_ that? How can you even _wonder_ about that? Isn't it fucking obvious?!" Kanda asked, gripping Mugen and thrusting it between them. It felt like a weight in his hand. "I almost _killed _you! Why aren't you angry? Get angry! Hate what I did to you! _Hate_ me!" It was everything Kanda didn't want to say, all in the passing of a moment in time. His chest tightened; that wasn't what was supposed to happen. And his voice bled from angry to defeated and broken in a matter of seconds: "Dammit…just hate me…"

The snow crusted boots moved forward, but Kanda did not retreat this time. Physically he prepared for a blow while mentally he tried to strengthen himself against the words of hate that would surely come. But neither the strike nor the swears reached him, instead two arms moving around him and Kanda was pressed against a warm chest that smelled like cinnamon and old books. The previously foreign entities of comfort, love, and protection were directed at Kanda in that moment, and he reveled in it, never knowing such a feeling of belonging. Did it hold the same feeling for Lavi?

"I can't hate you. I never could, Yuu," Lavi said, his breath moving through Kanda's hair like a gentle caress. He felt Lavi's hands moving down his back in a comforting motion, like the same ones Kanda had given to the redhead when he was in the middle of rough recovery. Everything that Kanda had known to be familiar in his world was crashing to the ground and he found himself hoping, wishing that maybe all of this—the warm embrace, the kind words, the understanding hands on his shoulders—would last. "What happened wasn't your fault. I'm not mad." Lavi sighed against the Japanese Exorcist's shoulder, moving away slightly, his arms going with him. But his hands settled on top of Kanda's, warm palms against pale knuckles still gripping Mugen. "And since I don't hate you, or blame you, you shouldn't hate or blame yourself either. Okay?"

Kanda stared at their hands for a long moment before he managed a stiff nod. It was then that Kanda realized their height difference, which made him feel stupid and short, awkward as well, with Mugen the cold barrier still between them. But Lavi didn't seem to notice and smiled like a ray of beautiful sunshine.

**pqpq**

Breakfast was his usual soba and green tea at his normal table toward the back of the cafeteria, where Kanda sat alone and in peaceful silence. His silence, however, was interrupted, when that idiot Walker came in making a ruckus. Unfortunately, when his gray eyes spotted Kanda, the cursed boy began making his way toward the Japanese swordsman with an angry, but anxious look on his face.

"Kanda," Allen said.

"What do you want, _moyashi_? Can't you just leave me—"

"It's Lavi," Allen interjected, making Kanda's words stop short and slip off his tongue like ashes. He swallowed slowly, taking in the statement and what it meant.

"What happened?" he asked, moving to a quick stand, breakfast forgotten.

"I-I don't know," Allen said, running his fingers through his hair nervously as he began walking out of the cafeteria, Kanda close behind him. "One minute we're talking and the next minute he's on the floor nearly—K-Kanda! Where are you going!?" Kanda could only stand to listen to the stupid beansprout for a few seconds, dashing immediately for the infirmary, where he knew Lavi would be. It was impossible that something could have happened that quickly. Lavi had been fine yesterday… The doors were open and he entered, looking around with the utmost urgency.

"Kanda," Komui said, grabbing his attention. The Chinese supervisor looked exhausted and pained, his jaw set with tense anxiety.

"What—"

"Sit," Komui instructed, indicating the chair nearest to the door.

"I don't need to sit. What's going on? Where's Lavi?" Kanda asked, his voice raising. It was completely out of character and he was violating every image of himself that he had projected. But at that moment, he didn't care. He didn't care what people thought of him; all he cared about was finding out what happened to Lavi.

"He's dying," Komui answered, eyes forlorn and dark. Everything came crashing to a sudden halt, hitting Kanda with such force he nearly collapsed at that moment. The word—the simple word _dying_—echoed over and over in his mind. Kanda was glad that chair was there, because he sank into it before his shaking knees could give way.

"What?" Kanda asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"The virus…it mutated. It's…attacking his organs," Komui informed him, voice wavering slightly despite the strong front he was putting on. "He…doesn't have long."

"Get him new organs, then," Kanda said, gritting his teeth as he gripped the arms of the chair so tightly he felt he could crush the enameled wood with his bare hands. "Give him more blood transfusions. _Make_ more time."

"There's no time left. I'm sorry," Komui replied softly. "We've…given him medication for the pain. He'll go in his sleep and he won't feel a thing, I promise." Kanda looked off to the side, hair falling messily before his eyes. _Dying_.

"Does he know?" Kanda asked.

"No," Komui answered. "The Bookman requested we not inform him." Kanda nodded and stood up, swaying slightly to the side before he managed to straighten himself. Komui didn't comment and let him go behind the white screen to where Lavi was lying like a pale ghost under the sheets. _Dying_.

"Lavi," Kanda said, moving over to Lavi to sit on the bed right beside him. One green eye cracked open to look at him and the redhead smiled sleepily.

"Hey, Yuu…" he murmured, reaching out to touch Kanda's cheek with one hand covered in tape and needles. His smile faded after looking at the Japanese man for a moment. "What's wrong…?"

"You're sick again," Kanda replied. He couldn't say _dying_, just like he couldn't say _Lavi, I love you. I love you so much_.

"Dun worry 'bout it," Lavi said, lips turning upwards again. "It doesn't hurt. Komui says…I'll be up and better in a few…" Kanda felt a pained expression take hold of his features at those words. Lavi didn't know and that was the only reason he was smiling: because he had no idea that he was going to die. And since Kanda did, that made this whole thing much harder. _Lie_, something inside of him said: _Lie to him, because you love him_.

"Yeah," Kanda answered, willing himself not to cry, because he wouldn't cry, just as he wouldn't say Lavi was dying, and just as he wouldn't tell Lavi that he… "Lavi…" Kanda moved his hand to gently stroke limp, red hair from Lavi's cold forehead. "I have to tell you something important."

"Mm…cannit wait? I'm real tired, Yuu…" Lavi replied, voice slightly slurred as his eye closed for what Kanda knew to be his final sleep. At first, Kanda was going to grip his shoulders, shake him awake and tell him _Lavi, Lavi, damn you, I love you. Don't die…please, don't die. I love you too much…_But Lavi just looked so damn _tired_ that Kanda just couldn't.

"Yeah…yeah, it can wait," Kanda said, still stroking Lavi's hair.

"An'…you'll be here…"

"When you wake up? Yeah," Kanda replied, leaning over to kiss his forehead. "I'll be here." And he stayed, even after Lavi's breath left him with a soft sigh.

And Kanda never said the words that Lavi deserved to hear the most:

_I love you._

He would never, ever know.

**pqpq**

Kanda woke, gasping for air, completely drenched in cold sweat, shaking so badly he felt sick. The dreams were getting steadily worse and it showed, because this time he wasn't in bed, but on the floor, tangled in the sheets. Irritably, he kicked them off, scooting along the cold floor to lean against the wall.

What was he going to do now? His hands moved into his loose hair, tangling in the messy black locks. Would he ever…be able to say those words to Lavi? Those simple three words: _I love you_. Would that make the nightmares and the uneasiness and the _guilt_ go away? Kanda gripped his hair tighter; all this wondering was driving him crazy.

He received a break however when there was a knock on the door to save him from further though. Or at least he thought so until he heard Lavi's voice from the other side: "Yuu…are you in there?" His heart sped up again, palms turning sweaty at the mere prospect of having to say what he knew he had to say…

"Fuck."

**pqpq**

One more chapter to go.

To smut, or not to smut?

You decide.

**Dhampir72**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: General consensus comes to **no smut**. Thanks for coming through on that one guys. I agree with every one of you that it would kind of ruin this story. But, that doesn't mean it'll be devoid of some good Kanda/Lavi-ness. Read on, faithful readers. Read on!

**pqpq**

Out of all the people that had to come knocking, it just had to be—had to _fucking_ be—the one person that Kanda felt like he couldn't keep himself in control in front of. Kanda wondered what he should do; should he keep quiet and hope that the redhead went away or should he open the door, only to risk everything he had been keeping bottled up to come out in some horrible way? Kanda took in a calming breath, and then another to try to slow his racing heart. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Lavi knocked again, this time a little softer, almost hesitantly.

"Yuu…?" Lavi asked again, in such a voice that Kanda felt the guilt return to him, settling in his chest like a weight.

"I'm coming, dammit. Just hold on," Kanda growled, in his usual fashion. He took a few moments to compose himself, pulling his hair back into some semblance of order. Although this time did nothing to fix the tangled sheets on the bed or the damp sweat still on his skin from the horrible nightmare, Kanda at least felt centered in mind and that was the only reason he was able to open the door without hyperventilating like a grade school girl. Lavi was standing on the other side, looking just as he had when Kanda had seen him a few hours ago at the station: still a bit too pale, a tad underfed, and a good deal exhausted. But despite his appearance, Lavi was still there, and in his hands he held a small tray of something that smelled delicious.

"You…missed dinner," he said, indicating the soba that Kanda ate habitually for every meal. "I was worried so I came up to make sure you were okay."

"And why wouldn't I be?" Kanda asked, keeping himself in the doorway. The minute Lavi entered his room, it would all be over. At least in this situation, he maintained some essence of control, no matter how feeble it might seem.

"I dunno," Lavi replied, his brow furrowing slightly; Kanda had to resist the urge to kiss the gently creased forehead, down the bridge of that strong nose to Lavi's slightly pouting pink lips…somehow he managed to keep his expression from revealing the thoughts he was thinking, and was able to find his voice.

"If you don't know, then don't go saying things you don't understand," Kanda said, ending the conversation. But he couldn't make the muscles in his arm move enough to close the door in Lavi's face, the weight in his chest almost preventing him from breathing as he stared at the other boy. The dark side of him was glad at the obvious outward appearance of hurt on Lavi's face, but another part of him—the larger part of him he hadn't realized was so big—felt so damn _guilty_ that he moved aside to allow Lavi entry.

"Sorry, Yuu," Lavi said with some heat in his voice, coming in quickly. When he passed Kanda, the Japanese exorcist caught Lavi's scent, that pleasant smell of books and cinnamon, which alone made Kanda clutch at the doorframe tightly, taking a deep breath. The sound of the tray slamming down on his desk nearly made Kanda choke on said deep breath and he turned his head to see Lavi coming back in his direction. "Don't worry. I'm leaving. I wouldn't want to burden you with my idiotic inquiries anymore." Kanda had never seen Lavi get like this before: so angry and short tempered. Sure, he knew Lavi had a small fuse when it came to some things, but Kanda could bait him for weeks and he'd never reacted like that before.

"Lavi," Kanda said, reaching out to grasp Lavi's arm before he could leave. All logical thought left him when this happened, because he could feel Lavi's warmth even through the sleeve of his shirt. This feeling spread from his palm and fingers all the way up his arm in a pleasant tingle. Kanda didn't realize how bad he truly had it for Lavi until that moment, when a single touch could make his entire world stop; make his body forget how to breathe.

"What?" Lavi asked, pulling Kanda out of—whatever he was feeling at that moment. Looking closer, Kanda could see that Lavi wasn't really angry; he was more hurt than anything, probably because of Kanda's insensitivity and coarseness.

"I'm…" Kanda swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. _I'm in love with you_. "…sorry…" Lavi stared at him for a good long minute before shaking his head with a small smile.

"See, I knew you weren't okay," he said, moving closer to Kanda, placing a gentle hand against his still-clammy forehead. Kanda could barely repress the shiver that ran through him pleasantly at the touch. "You're sick, aren't you?" When Lavi asked this, his hand moved from Kanda's brow down the side of his face, tenderly brushing against his cheek. The words Lavi said made no sense to his brain, which had blanked something awful at Lavi's touch. Therefore, the only response he could muster up to Lavi's question was something that didn't resemble any word in the English language. "Okay, well at least have something to eat."

Kanda didn't resist when Lavi led him over to the chair in front of the desk, placing him before his favorite meal. But his body had entered flight or fight mode and food held no meaning to him. He had to choose: "flight" and run away or "fight" and tell Lavi those simple words of endearment…Something warm fell over his shoulders, and he looked down to see that Lavi had draped a warm sweater over him.

"Try to eat, okay?" Lavi said, going over to Kanda's bed, where he leaned over and gathered the bed sheets and pillows from the floor. The Japanese man had to avert his eyes to not openly stare at Lavi's tantalizingly lean rear, made all the more intriguing when Kanda realized how shapely Lavi's legs were in those form fitting pants—he forced himself to take a bite of his dinner. Even though it was his favorite, it tasted like glue in his mouth and Kanda was barely able to swallow.

Keeping his eyes away from Lavi, Kanda continued to focus on his meal and managed a few more bites, listening to the redhead as he made the bed. The sound of the sheets straightening and snapping over his mattress wasn't what Kanda was focusing on, but the slight irregularity to Lavi's breathing. It was heavy, almost pained.

"Are you sure _you're_ all right?" Kanda asked, quickly taking another bite in case Lavi wanted to debate with him.

"Still not back to one hundred and ten percent, but I'm getting there," Lavi answered, finishing with the bed, his footsteps coming closer. "Is that all you're going to eat?" There was a good size portion left, but Kanda didn't think he'd be able to stomach it, especially with his body in a fit of nerves and cramps.

"What are you, my mother?" Kanda asked, but with no bite in his voice.

"I dunno, Yuu. Wanna start calling me 'mom'?" Lavi replied, smile in his voice. Kanda didn't answer, body going still again when he felt Lavi's hands at the nape of his neck, fiddling with the scrap of fabric he had used to tie his hair back. "Thought not," Lavi continued, pulling the tie loose so that Kanda's hair fell messily over his shoulders. Kanda thought his hammering heart might give him away when Lavi leaned over him, red hair brushing the side of his cheek as long fingers opened his desk drawer. Removing Kanda's comb, Lavi moved back behind him and began gently untangling the knots in his hair.

"How do you know where everything is?" Kanda grumbled, not knowing how Lavi could know where his sweater was; where he kept his comb of all things. It felt almost like an invasion of privacy, but the fingers moving through his hair, smoothing out the long strands, was something he would never admit to liking.

"I'm a stalker, didn't you know?" Lavi asked, laughter in his tone. But his breathing still sounded wrong and Kanda felt like commenting, but he couldn't get a word in when Lavi began to explain: "There are only two places people keep clothes, and because it's a sweater, I knew it had to be on the bottom drawer in the dresser. After all, you'd never admit to owning one, even though they're really necessary when it gets cold like this," he said, sighing slightly as it felt like he was trying to get a rather nasty knot undone. "And your comb is something you use a lot, so it would be easily accessible. Easiest place being the desk in a top drawer, and since you're right handed, it would naturally be in the top right drawer."

"Is that some crazy Bookman thing?" Kanda gruffly asked.

"Powers of observation," Lavi replied, making a slight 'a-ha!' noise, when he got rid of the knot. Kanda didn't continue their conversation, staring at his abandoned meal with steady, unseeing eyes as he enjoyed the attention to his hair. It felt so intimate that Kanda's heart was still racing. He felt so stupid for feeling that way—as Lavi was only brushing his hair—but he couldn't _stop_. Luckily, he had another thing to worry about and focus on.

"Your…wound isn't healed yet?" Kanda asked, voice very quiet. The hands in his hair stopped for a moment before continuing, giving Kanda his answer. He guiltily looked at Mugen from the corner of his eye.

"It's getting there," Lavi answered softly after a moment. His breathing still sounded forced, and Kanda wanted nothing more than to make his pain go away. But he couldn't do anything for Lavi, and sat in silence as the redhead finished smoothing out his hair. Kanda felt his fingers then twirling around the straight locks, weaving them into a long braid down his back. "Done," Lavi announced, his hands moving away from Kanda's hair, much to his disappointment. "Well…I should probably get going."

Kanda turned around quickly when Lavi said this, catching the other boy turning around in the direction of the door. This was it: this was the time that Kanda had to say it. He had to say it no matter what. _I love…_

"W-Wait," Kanda said, standing up hastily to catch Lavi before he could leave. He grasped the other boy's wrist, keeping Lavi from getting any further. And Lavi did wait, even turned around, but the words wouldn't come no matter how much Kanda tried to force them past his trembling lips. He didn't know why, when Lavi was _right there_ in front of him, looking so open and accepting, and Kanda felt like such a damn coward that he looked down in dismay. But even though he couldn't speak, Lavi smiled a somewhat tired smile and gave the few loose strands of dark hair that hung over Kanda's shoulder a small tug.

"I'll stay for a bit longer, if you want," he said, and Kanda tried not to sigh in sweet relief when he felt Lavi's fingers brush against his cheek. "But only if you rest a little. You look like you need it."

"Che, as if you don't," Kanda replied, dropping the wrist still in his grip as he moved away from Lavi. "Sit." That was as much as an invitation as Lavi was going to get, and the redhead knew, smiling like he understood a big secret as he sat on the edge of the bed. With what looked like pained effort, Lavi leaned over to take off his shoes, but Kanda's hand stopped him from doing so. "I'll do it," Kanda said, kneeling down in front of him, easily unbuckling the straps of his boots.

"Yuu, I can do it myself," Lavi said, sounding slightly embarrassed, but Kanda was too focused on his task to look up to see if he was blushing or not. Even though that mental image was tempting, Kanda was having enough trouble trying to keep acting natural; keep his fingers moving properly.

"I'm just doing you a favor," Kanda replied, taking Lavi's left boot off before going to work on the right.

"You're the one who's sick," Lavi said, but didn't move to stop Kanda. The long-haired man considered refuting that statement, but chose against it.

"You're the one who's still injured," Kanda answered, taking off Lavi's right boot. To make some time for himself, he picked up both of Lavi's shoes and put them by the door next to his own.

"No need to baby me," Lavi said from behind him. "I should be taking care of _you_."

"There's no need to baby _me_," Kanda replied, straightening their boots as if it were truly important to him. It was a useless technique just so Kanda didn't have to look back at Lavi, who was on his bed—his _bed_ where he slept—of all places. But there was nothing else he could do to procrastinate any longer and Kanda was forced to straighten up, turn around just to find that Lavi had lain down on his bed, snuggling up in the blankets like he owned the damn place. "What are you doing?"

"What?" Lavi asked, peeking up at him from under the edge of the coverlet. Kanda knew it was wrong of him to think that the redhead looked good with his hair all mussed up beneath his bed sheets…

"N-Never mind," Kanda grumbled, turning away quickly. What the hell was he supposed to do now, with the object of his affections _in his bed_? The words he knew he had to say were choked up inside him with the prospect of having to lie so close to Lavi, whose tiniest brush of skin alone made Kanda lose his composure completely.

"Yuu, c'mon," Lavi said, scooting over deliberately, patting the spot next to him.

"Why the hell would I get in bed with someone like you!?" Kanda asked, a little more hysterically than his character would normally permit.

"What's the problem? We've done it before," Lavi pointed out, with those pouting lips of his that made Kanda want nothing more than to kiss them.

"We were fifteen," Kanda replied, tugging nervously at his hair. "And t-there was no other option."

"Don't sound like such a homophobe, Yuu," Lavi said, yawning a bit. "I'm just here to keep you warm." Kanda watched as Lavi snuggled further into the pillows, wondering to himself how he had gotten himself into such a predicament. And now that there was no way out, he didn't really have a choice.

"Fine," Kanda grumbled, stiffly walking over to the bed where he slid beneath the blankets. But he didn't lie down; instead Kanda sat up straight against the headboard, trying not to notice all of the things that had become so apparent. He tried to ignore the slight dip to the mattress where another body lay next to him, Lavi's soft breathing, the red strands of hair that fell messily across the pillow. And Kanda tried—he really did try—to not look at Lavi, because one green eye was watching him and it was slightly unnerving.

"Yuu," Lavi said, breaking the quiet that had settled over the room.

"What? Go to sleep," Kanda replied, crossing his arms. But Lavi did the opposite, sitting up with a heavy breath; dark eyes saw the redhead's hand press against the still-healing wound on his stomach, making Kanda's swallow guiltily and look away.

"You go to sleep," Lavi answered, brushing against Kanda's shoulder as he leaned back against the headboard as well.

"I said it first," Kanda said, managing to keep the heat in his face to a minimum.

"Jeez, what are you? Five?" Lavi asked, nudging Kanda's arm with his elbow in a teasing gesture. The Japanese swordsman gritted his teeth, but not in annoyance, like Lavi probably presumed it was. Rather, he was doing his best to not grab Lavi by the shoulders and shake him, all while screaming out _I love you, you idiot!_ "Oh, c'mon. What's the long face for?"

"Shut up," Kanda replied, quickly sinking down to the mattress. He turned on his side, facing away from Lavi, cheeks so hot he felt feverish.

"Aw, don't be mad," Lavi said from behind him, laughter in his tone. Kanda just snorted, hiding his face in his pillow. He'd never felt so cowardly in his entire life. Facing hoards of demons, outnumbered _and_ injured, was something that he wasn't afraid of, but saying simple words of endearment to the person he cared more than anything for struck fear into his heart like nothing he'd ever experienced. And he knew that it was all because he was scared of rejection, hearing a dismissing tone in Lavi's voice as he replied _Oh, Yuu. I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you..._ "Hey…" Kanda was startled out of his self-discovery when he felt Lavi's warm palm resting against his shoulder.

"What? I'm trying to sleep," Kanda replied, adding (for good measure): "Idiot."

"You're so stiff, I beg to differ," Lavi said, the insult not fazing him, because it never did. Kanda's mind blanked when he felt the other boy lie down too, scooting closer so that the dark-haired man could feel the length of Lavi's body against him like something pleasantly warm. "Yuu…?" In this position, Kanda could feel Lavi take in a breath, feel him let it out in a gentle sigh against his shoulder.

"What?" Kanda asked, this time softer, less angry, his mind and heart working in overdrive when Lavi's arm moved around his waist.

"Are you mad at me?" Lavi asked quietly, sounding the same as he did earlier that day down at the train station.

"No," Kanda replied, still stiff with Lavi so close to him. Instead of thinking about how warm Lavi was, or how much he liked the feeling of the other boy wrapped around him, Kanda stared at the wall, where Mugen was propped up in the corner. But his vision suddenly turned dark when Lavi's hand covered his eyes. "Wh—?"

"I'm not mad at you either," Lavi said. "I told you I could never hate you and I mean it. So please…" His voice trembled slightly, as if he were on the verge of tears. "…just forgive yourself. If you don't…" Lavi's hand was shaking over Kanda's eyes, and the Japanese man placed his palm against it in a gesture of comfort. "…you could fall into Fault…"

"I won't," Kanda replied, moving Lavi's hand from his eyes to his chest. He wondered if Lavi could feel his heart pounding with anticipation. Should he say it? _Could_ he say it? The words were right there on the tip of his tongue…

"Promise?" Lavi asked against his back, sounding almost stubbornly childish.

"Promise," Kanda answered, forcing some of his normal gruffness into the one-word answer. Lavi stuck out his pinky finger from under Kanda's hand.

"Pinky promise?" Lavi asked, wiggling the digit.

"I'm not going to _pinky_ promise you anything," Kanda replied.

"B-But a pinky promise is the most binding of all promises!" Lavi said, pouting apparent in his voice.

"Now who's five?" Kanda asked, feeling a small smile tugging at his lips despite himself.

"Indulge me," Lavi said; Kanda sighed, nudging Lavi backwards so he could turn over to face the redhead. Lavi looked somewhat surprised that they were face-to-face, but he smiled and held out his pinkie.

"If you tell anyone…" Kanda muttered, shaking his head with the threat that was only half-said. Lavi raised an eyebrow, waving his pinky at Kanda until the long-haired man took hold of it with his own with a sarcastic roll of his eyes. Faking indifference was easier than acknowledging how warm Lavi was: the gentle heat of their knees touching beneath the blankets. "Good enough for you?"

"I didn't think you'd do it," Lavi replied, smiling as he shook their hooked fingers. Kanda was so busy looking longingly at Lavi's upturned lips that he completely forgot himself.

"Just shows how much I love you," he said, the words making their way past his lips without consent. His breath stopped—eyes wide—when he realized what he had just _said_. Lavi looked just as surprised, but broke out in the biggest grin Kanda had ever seen, dropping their pinkies to throw his arm around him.

"Aww! Yuu-chan loves me!" Lavi sang happily. The embrace wasn't the one that Kanda wanted though; this one was friendly, but almost borderline faked. It made Kanda so frustrated that he pushed Lavi away from him.

"N-No," Kanda said, sitting up and scooting over, resting against the headboard with a few inches between him and Lavi, not the closeness they had shared before. "That's not what I meant." Lavi just continued to grin as he sat up as well, shaking his finger at Kanda.

"Nope! No take-backs!" Lavi replied cheerfully as he gently tugged on a strand of Kanda's hair. "Don't be grumpy, Yuu, just for finally saying you love me!"

"I don't love you like that, stupid," Kanda said, catching Lavi's wrist in his grip. All humor and teasing left Lavi's expression, turning it into something much harder to read. And suddenly the sweating palms and pounding heart returned, Kanda's mouth feeling like it was full of gravel. He had to make Lavi understand _what he meant_.

"What do you love me like, then?" Lavi asked, tilting his head to the side in questioning. The words were there, but they wouldn't come, just like before. However, it dawned on Kanda suddenly realized how _easy_ it was to show Lavi exactly how he felt. "Yuu?" Leaning forward, Kanda looked right into Lavi's eye, cupping his cheek in one calloused palm.

"I love you like this," he murmured, pressing his lips against Lavi's. It was unlike that winter afternoon on the train, where Kanda had held Lavi's bleeding body in his lap and had kissed his cold, crimson lips. This time, it was warm, just like Kanda had imagined it to be. He didn't linger long, pulling back after a few moments of blissful contact to see Lavi's expression. After all, Lavi had neither pulled away nor responded to the kiss, so Kanda gathered up his pride for the worst. However, Kanda found that Lavi's eye had grown darker, glassier, and half-lidded; his cheeks were a pleasant pink. Dark emerald blinked slowly, not looking displeased at all.

"I'm sorry…run that by me again?" Lavi said, sounding dazed. Relief rushed over Kanda like calm overtaking a stormy bay, and he complied with the redhead's wishes, kissing Lavi once again. This time, Lavi _did_ respond, making Kanda's mind and body hum with electrifying heat and energy. Even more so when the kiss deepened: Kanda's fingers tangling in Lavi's hair, with Lavi's hands doing the same to his. And Lavi tasted even nicer than he smelled: something sweet, yet spicy; mysterious, yet familiar. There was more than three years worth of emotions in that kiss, which explained the warm exhaustion that settled over both of them upon parting.

"Where'd that come from?" Lavi asked, with a somewhat lazy smile, resting back against the pillow beside Kanda. Propping himself up on his elbow, Kanda looked down at Lavi, running the tips of his fingers through messy red strands. Now that he had gotten his point across, he knew he had to explain. But he was confident this time, gazing down at Lavi's pleased, but curious expression, and the words came with only a little hesitation.

"Sometime before…" Kanda said, moving his hand to gently touch Lavi's abdomen, where he knew the wound was still healing. "But mostly after, I guess…when I thought you were going to…" His eyes looked anywhere but Lavi's face when he uttered the next word: "…die." Lavi tugged gingerly on the end of a lock of his hair, causing Kanda to turn to face him again. "That's when I knew I…" Kanda bowed his head and hid in the crook of Lavi's neck, unused to speaking so much and about a topic normally left _unspoken_. "…couldn't live without you."

"Yuu…" Lavi sighed next to his ear, the redhead's arms moving around him. And something clicked in that moment, the words spilling from Kanda's lips like water from a dam.

"I realized that I…didn't _want _to live without you, Lavi," Kanda confessed, holding him close, as if he were clutching a dream that might vanish any second. "I-I don't know when you became everything, but _dammit_, you did and…" The image of Lavi lying broken and dying in a white hospital bed came back, fueling his emotions into words. "I love you more than anything."

"Oh, Yuu…" Lavi sighed again; it sounded so bittersweet, but Kanda didn't question it. The arms around him tightened as Kanda felt Lavi kiss his temple tenderly. "You know…I'm not allowed to say it back to you…" Kanda swallowed the burning lump in his throat with a nod. He'd forgotten about Lavi's occupation; about the rules that came with being a Bookman. Had all of this—every suffering moment—been for nothing at all? "But, Yuu…I have a secret. I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone else, got it?" Closing his eyes with a sigh, Kanda nodded again, withholding his tremble when Lavi's lips brushed against his ear as he whispered: "I…love you, too."

Kanda pulled back a bit to look at Lavi, who was smiling in a secretive, but endearing manner. And the normally stoic Japanese man threw away everything he had built of his character to smile back. Even with this loss of the control he had strived so hard to achieve, having Lavi beaming back at him, all his, was enough that Kanda didn't care at all.

**pqpq**

Wow, this was really hard to write for some reason. Which accounts for the super-long delay. Sorry if it wasn't what you were hoping for (as it wasn't what I was hoping for either; damn all the OOCness in this fic .). However, if you'd like me to continue, I've already started writing a two-chapter sequel which will be entitled "Release", wherein the people who asked for the smut, shall receive the smut :D That is, if you all still want it!

If not, thanks for all your love and support on this fic!

Kanda/Lavi forever~!

**Dhampir72**


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